Thursday, September 23, 2010

Circle the Drain

Thursday, September 23, 2010
I've been planning this blog post for a month now. Thinking it over in my head. I never write out blogs posts beforehand. I always just sit down and type.
Maybe not always a smart move, but it's me.

I want to talk about the fact that I've been Scott-Free for 1 year this month.
Anyone who knows me knows exactly what I am talking about & knows what a HUGE accomplishment this is.

I was in an on again/off again relationship with a not so great for me guy for 12 years of my adult life.
It started when I was 18.
As I look back, I was so smitten.
I loved that boy with every ounce of my being. Would have gone to hell & back.
Maybe I did.

So that was the song back in the day. Yup, explained exactly how I felt. O yea, it came out on the Coyote Ugly Soundtrack. I am not saying it isn't old. I am saying I am not old.

So This guy was 24 when we officially started dating & I was 21. I spent the prior 3 yrs running from him. I must have known he was trouble, right. But I was in love from the get go.

And I still love him. I am not in love with him.

He is an alcoholic and a few other things, but I will not air that dirty laundry. I am not sure how I came to feel so responsible for him. I know that I felt we were soul mates. He never told me that. He did tell me he loved me & I believe he the best of his ability. Alcoholics are manipulative. I could not see that then. They are also co-dependent. I also could not see that then. When I was 21, this relationship was fun. Then I grew up.

Once I had a child, this relationship wasn't so ok anymore. I still participated in it though. Especially that summer, but I'm not going to get into all the gory details.

Now onto the next song.

And that just about sums up how I feel now.

And I credit life coaching for helping me walk away a year ago. I did it in steps.

I am now able to allow new guys into my life and actually contemplate new relationships where before that wouldn't have even entered my mind.

Imagine 12 years of maybe going on a couple of dates with a guy but not really committing yourself to them because you were committed to a guy who was more committed to alcohol than you. Not fun. He once was dating 2 other girls at the same time as me & I discovered it. I quit talking to him for a week before he showed up on my porch & weaseled his way back in.

I can see it all quite clearly....NOW.

Do you know why I write all this? Because I want you, my readers to realize I am a real person. I have been through crap just like you. Maybe you and I have been in similar situations. I can relate to what you are going through.

I am this girl. I have been there, done that. I want to help you get to where you want to be. I had someone help me get away. Sometimes it's too hard to do it on your own.


JC Little said...

Felt like I was reading about my own life just then. I agree it helps to know one has lived through something and survived it, to believe they can and understand and help you in some way.

Thank-you for sharing.

amy said...

Thanks Girl. I just had to talk about it with it being 1 yr & all.

Carolyn said...

You have no idea how perfect this post is right now. I have a friend who's daughter is struggling with her feelings for a guy who clearly isn't right for her. I'm going to forward your post to her. I just want her to make the right choice and not waste a minute of her life with a guy who is going to be trouble for her. Thanks you!

Monique said...

Congrats on making it to a year. I'm sure it was extremely difficult and painful. Thanks for sharing. Sometimes it just feels better to write about it.

amy said...

Carolyn, you are extremely welcome. It is always good to share. If something I have been through can help just 1 person, then it's worth it.
Monique, Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. It hasn't been easy, but I took it 1 day at a time. 1 step in front of the other.

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